A district court in Portland, OR today ruled that the unidentified federal agents recently observed kidnapping American citizens with no regard for the Constitution or basic human rights cannot seek insurance payouts for injuries and mental anguish experienced in the course of said duties, as to do so would require them to reveal their identities – which the agents involved found unacceptable, given their perception of the potential for unexpected retribution on the part of the American public.

Said one Trooper:

I spend five, six hours in a full combat rig, extra mags and everything because you cannot be too careful with these nonviolent protestors. And believe me it can get pretty hairy. One time one of them spit at me and their loogie landed on my Remington Tactical Street Sweeper Deluxe, and I had just got it reparkerized. Not to mention all the blood and toothmarks they left behind after we arrested them.”

He continued unprompted:

And another time we shot a bunch’a tear gas into an apartment complex and they threw some of the canisters back! Can you believe it? I’ve never been so in fear for my life. So to be unable to get compensated for my torn shoulder is obscene in my opinion. Isn’t this America? Aren’t I an American citizen? I mean for fuck’s sake.”

The Court’s opinion noted that in order to process any claims the insurance companies of the disappeared individuals would have to be notified – and since the disappeared would be unable to receive notice, culpability would not be able to be established.

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