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Fraternities across the country were rocked today by the news that Beirut had experienced a calamitous event that left hundred dead and thousands more still missing.
Said one bereft Junior when asked for comment:
“It’s just unreal. Who attacked them? The ‘Beer Pong’ people? They probably started it, right? Yeah those guys are assholes.”
After being told that the Beirut in question was the capital city of Lebanon, currently in the throes of a tragedy of monstrous proportions which appeared to be the result of governmental failures across the board – and not the traditional college drinking game sometimes inaccurately referred to as “Beer Pong”, the bro continued:
“I don’t care if they did it to themselves, that doesn’t make them wrong – the game is called Beirut, not”Paddleirut“. Hey Davis – the Beirut guys blew themselves up apparently – should we throw a fund-rager? Hey which Beirut guys are we talking about again? Like did they come up with the game originally? Do you think they’d come play at the rager?”
After again being informed that he was wildly misinterpreting the ongoing events to the point of callous, inhuman indifference, the source went on to say:
“What’s your damage bro, are you a Kap Pi? You gotta get off our quad, this is private property bro.”
