Attorney General William P. Barr will appear before the House Judiciary Committee today – and in a break from tradition, it will not be a normal hearing in which Congress questions the invited party, but rather a “Well-Earned Executive Spanking”, if AG Barr is to be believed.
At a press release Tuesday morning, AG Barr described the proceedings as “total bullshit” and “just some fuckin’ sissies that need their panties unbunched so [we] men can get on with the business of making America great again.” He went on to say:
“Look, I got into this arena for one reason, and one reason only: pure profit baby. That’s what stiffens ole slick willy all the way up to full mast, understand? And part of making a profit in this world is keeping your drinking buddies outta jail – just makes things simpler, you know? Keeps everyone friends. You get it, everyone gets it. Anyway I been swinging my twelve inch APR around long enough that I’ve gotten pretty goddamned good at this highfalutin pageantry bullshit, if I do say so myself. So if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got a Congress to scream at, and some pardons to announce.”
AG Barr was later seen boasting in the West Wing that he had “out-bellowed Baby Bretty” and furthermore to “tell him to mark that on his fuckin’ calendars”.