Uber and Lyft Partner with Police Unions Across The Nation In “You Need Us More Than We Need You, You’ll See!” Marketing Campaign. Post Office To Combat Election Fraud With More Easily Defrauded Electoral System Police Officers Decry Citizen Use Of Police Profiling Strategies To Combat Police Brutality Several American Territories Form Coalition of “United States” To More Effectively Negotiate for Lives of Citizens Fraternity Members Everywhere Shattered By Destruction In Beirut

NBA Uncovers New Source of Pandemic Income: Custom Protest Jerseys Racists Attempt to Co-Opt The Attire of Cool Guys Everywhere Craven Political Operative To Give Congress A Real Piece Of His Mind Reagan Library Mortified At Association With (Second) Dementia-Addled TV Actor Put Forth By The GOP as Presidential Candidate DeWalt Releases New “DHS-Proof” Leaf Blower GOP In Disarray; Trump/Cruz Battle Over Whose Corruption Will Pay Out First Betsy DeVos: “Goya-Branded Masga Masks Hottest Back-To-School Schwag of 2020!” NBC Counterprogramming Latest WH Briefings With Old Apprentice Re-Runs Farmer Invites Fox Into Henhouse, Surprising Results PORTLAND: Unidentified Federal Agents Unable to Get Insurance Claims Processed, Court Rules Unindentified Federal Agents Incensed At Lack Of Unmarked Vehicle Selection