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Tool and construction supply manufacturer DeWalt has announced a new line of leaf blowers marketed directly at the protestors participating in the months-long demonstrations against overt and unaddressed police brutality.
The products were developed in partnership with the ACLU – a group more widely known for their legal work in the Civil Rights arena.
Said a ACLU representative:
“It just seemed to us that it was long past time ‘We The People’ fought DHS’ ‘non-lethal’ fire with, you know, literal fire.”
“Literal fire” refers to the marquee feature of the new line of leaf blowers: a special setting that reverses the flow of air through the inner circuitry, thus causing it to blast a thick torrent of flame out of the central tube, generally used for suction.
Although the new mode of operation is referred to internally as an “overdrive”, the marketing material and decals on the unit list the function as “the Baconator”.
“You’ve Made Dad Mad” and “Open Your Mouth For The Multi-Colored Fist of Social Justice” are among the many slogans headlining the various marketing campaigns, each directed at a different demographic of protestor (Mom, Dad, Veteran, American, Non-Morons, People Who Prefer Not To Lick The Boots of Totalitarianism, etc).
Said one DHS officer who asked to remain anonymous for fear of being harassed (online):
“It’s like, I didn’t join up with an objectively pro-fascist organization because I wanted to rumble with my fellow citizens. I joined up so I could crush them into the pavement with a combination of overwhelming force, military-grade weaponry, and qualified immunity. If they’re going to be able to hit us back, well where’s the fun in that?”
The office further noted that none of this would be happening if Colin Kaepernick had just “known his goddamn place”.
The DeWalt line of “FDP”-branded tools, components, and accessories will be available this Monday (7/27/20) at Home Depot, Lowes, and wherever else the traditional tools of Revolution are sold.
(Artist’s Rendition)
