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Multiple reports that Federal Agents engaged in extra-judicial kidnappings in the greater Portland area have entered complaints regarding the selection of unmarked vehicles available for their current task.
“It’s like we’re out here, loaded for bear and looking badass – and then we have to roll out in a fucking minivan? I mean Jesus Christ what are we, a bunch’a Karens?” said one Agent who asked to remain unidentified for fear of retribution for their grossly unconstitutional actions. “We’re out here, following orders, making sure we’re only picking up the protest- I mean rioters, and leaving the milita boys alone.”
Current reports suggest that the agents are hoping to “find protestors with some sweet rides, and jack those for justice.”